my not so secret thoughts

yes i did. i met someone here in jakarta. he is the most wonderful man i know. reminds me of my dad. yeah.. he is old too.. hahah.. ok la.. not THAT old. just 38. 10 years older. ok la tuh kan. he's the brand manager here in jak-tv. his name is renanda bachtar. the thing is, i think i am gonna get married to him. seriously. i know he can take care of me, i know he won't hurt me sesuka hati, i know he won't take me for granted and he loves me to bits. i am not in love with him yet. but i can fall for him la. not a problem. i can imagine myself being with him for the rest of my life.

how i met him. lets see. he works in jak-tv kan? but the 1st 7 months i have been here, he has not spoken a WORD to me. senyum pun taknak. like so blardy sombong. tau la awak handsome! takyah la nak berlagak ngan aku! siut je, mamat maintain ni. then i also totally ignore him la. for wat right nakgedik gedik wif him. i don even know him so biar la. then i had to go bandung wif a good fren of mine, luke. he's the sales group manager. the jaktv boss, fery asked me to go wif luke cos he wants me to give some ideas on this event they're planning to do in bandung for clients there. then i asked luke who else is going, he said mas renan. i was like.. alameeekkkkk.. habis la my holiday.. i was thinking.. haiyah.. renan is so close to luke. bisu la i this while trip. and suddenly i regretted saying yes to going. then when we all got into the jaktv car wif the driver skali la, luke sat infront. i was like…. NOOOOOOOOOOOO…… sigh.. so i tot.. ok la.. looks like i have to tampal my face to the window screen and look outside the whole 2 hours drive to bandung. a whitney houston song was playing on the radio and renan suddenly asked me, do you like whitney houston? i was like.. oh my god he has a voice! and it started from there la. and we were having so much of fun talking and laughing all the way to bandung, at bandung and the way back from bandung. by the end of 3 days, me and renan became such great frens. he knows about joe and he told me all about himself.

but… there is a slight glitch. he was previously married. he has 3 kids. he was married for 12 years. he rushed into that marriage without getting to know her and in the first few months they were together he knew he wasn't gonna be happy. by then she was already pregnant so.. nothing can be done already. he was a responsible man and he was gonna do whatever it takes to make it work eventhough it was nowhere near heaven. throughout the marriage he was always arguing and fighting with his wife for twelve whole years. and not once he said he did anything unfaithful to his wife. of course they were temptations but he was in a committed relationship so, yeah. like that. i know its his words only. but i know some of his frens and they tell me yes, he is like that. damn i have done 1000X more worse things than he has in his lifetime. but of course thats in my past and i am not ever gonna tell him. my mum always tell me last time, never tell your husband what you did in your past, how many guys you have been out with and how intimate you were with them. just be very vague. i mean, if it was joe, then its different. he's as naughty or more naughty than me. but with renan, i shall not hurt him that way la. i know i have changed alot but i dowan him to worry that i will go back to my old ways.

he has told me before that whoever decides to be his wife will feel like the most secure wife in the world. no worries whether her husband is gonna cheat on her or sakitkan her hati or carik pasal to gaduh or just ignoring her. well, sounds good to me. if you all are wondering if i am in luv wif him, well, not yet.. but i am falling for him la. at work he is so serious.. so quiet.. makes me like.. eeesshh…. nak je gigit.. geramm.. he's not at all the needy type. ONLY if we're alone. then different la.. hehe.. i know i will fall for him. head over heels. remember i have always asled for sumone to sweep me off my feet and make me slowly forget joe.. well, i guess i found it. now.. i need to lay it down for joe slowly.

yes i am still wif joe.. but its gonna end soon. i don chat wif him as often anymore. use to get online every night just to wait for him to get online and chat wif me. in the end all i get is, sorry sayang, nak klua ni.. nak gi makan ngan so and so.. or sorry sayang tertido tadi.. or sorry sayang, i nak gi meetign jap kat mana mana.. then wait for him to get back home at god knows what time for him to tell me, ok sayang.. penat ni, nak gi tido dah.. good nite.. luv u lots. muah. sigh.. since i came back to jakarta on the 20th of march, i have not even once gotten online at night to chat wif him. and baru la dia nak msg i, sayang, tak online ke malam ni? klua ke? dah makan? he waits for me to dissapear for 2-3 days before he will sms me. bodoh tak? oh.. he came here to jakarta for his fren's wedding. a few days after i came back here. i decided to cofnront him wif that nabillah girl from the same apartment as us. and he admitted, he has been frens wif her for 4 months. itu pun dia kata 2 months. then i told him 4 months already i know, then he said. oh yeah.. lupa. wasn't counting. bodoh tak? then he said they're oni frens. nothing more. watever la. same la wif ayin, adeline. sigh.. i am sooo tired of it all.. soo damn tired.. i dah malas nak layan his karenah karenah.. so i told him, thats it, wen i get back i am gonna move out. then i am gonna start dating and meeting people. he said no, dowan… what the hell. then i asked, are you gonna marry me? are you gonna be faithful to me forever? no right, so why the hell not. i am not gonna wait for you to tell me you are done wif me and you wanna find someone else to marry. i think i will do that first. so he said ok. so there you go, i have started to date. seriously.. am i cheating on joe? i guess not.. cos i told him i am gonna do this.. and oni cos he dowan to marry me and he is cheating and lying to me. at least i told him about it. hahaha.. although i DO feel sooo guilty.. sigh.. i have a heart la.. i will not even tell joe i am getting married to renan.. i am just gonna break up wif him slowly over the next few weeks on basis that he does not wanan marry me and i can never trust him anymore and that our relationship is going nowhere.. sigh..