i think my boss has a crush on me. seriously. he always tells me how pretty i am, how wonderful i am, how well i cook, how lucky joe is to have me, how good i am at what i do, blah blah blah. my driver even tells me that la.. i talk to some of my drivers.. nothing personal.. just normal stuff.. and that day, one of them actually said to me.. siapa2 siapa cowok yang nikah bersama farah ternyata orang itu paling teruntung di dunia ini. wow.. such a big statement. but how is it, that everyone seem to think so, but joe. i dunno la..
well, zeeshan is falling for me. he told me, he will marry me and make me so happy. he said he will love me, cherish me and we’ll have beautiful children together. i dunno what to say to that. he even asked me. if i could see myself marrying him or could i fall for him. i said. i dunno. but as it usually is, if he said the right things and did the right things, i guess i could. don ask what are these right things. wen it happens, it happens. if it doesn’t, it will never.
told joe about zeeshan. he was upset and i turned his world upside down. he’s gone hay wire now. well, what did he expect right? what about what he’s doing to me? i told him, isn’t this wat you’ve always wanted? he said yes. then he said.. no.. he did not want this to happen. he said.. as time goes by.. things change. feelings change.. he told what he felt then. now its different. but he still cannot promise me anything. cos he is afraid he will dissapoint me. this conversation is not over yet. cos its continued. he had sum urgent work to do and he said we will continue this. but i have to say, i am proud of him to even want to talk about it. before it was entah la.. dunno la.. he refused to tell me what he really felt. he is slowly opening his heart to me. he said, i am the most amazing thing that has happened to me. and he would be lost. i asked why? he said cos he don have me. he has depended so much on me.. emotionally and he dunno how he would go on if he did not have me.
i am sooooo depressed now. i dunno why i let this affect me. well, i guess for one, if things do not work wif joe. i have zeeshan.. but is that really what i want? i mean, i know joe makes alot of mistakes.. but who doesn’t la. he’s not perfect.. but he is so wiling to learn. he said he has been in many relationships before, but nothing like this. no one has made him feel this way. to some people, relationships may be routines.. same things wif different girls.. but to him, this is all new to him. and after one and a half years wif me, he has changed alot for me. he is trying.
how i told joe about zeeshan came about. my boss, gerald, back to the first paragraph. he wants to open an opis in jakarta. he wants me to head it. it will be a small business unit. we will have our own P&L. he wants me to head it. how amazing is that. he has that much of faith and confidence in me! i am honoured. but this also requires me stay in jakarta longer. no rotating. meaning i go back every once a month a week or sumthing. like now la. how can the boss go back so long also kan? i cannot leave my staff here just like that. gelabah la nanti my opis. so.. i told joe. and he is not happy about me stayig here so long.. but then again.. we’re happier now. we dunno if its becos i am away so he has ample space.. or becos he really has changed. i told him i hate long distance relationships. it sucks and i rather not have it at all. and he was sad i said that. it seems to me like the oni way our relationship can work is if we had a long distance. then what about wen i come back for good? he said maybe things will be different then. like how la? he move to another country pulak is it? of course not. so he said, we shall have a long talk about this when i come back to KL end of this week. then i told him about zeeshan. told him that i found sumone who would wanna marry me. he was shocked. he did not expect that i would actually do that. find sumone else. well, thats when i told him, u kept telling me that the past year. what’s so surprising? he said. ok.. then he said not ok.. then he said.. he ko oredi. he merepek things like that wen he is confused or when he is upset. good to know that i was able to even make him feel that way. i said.. i am so sorry to make this relationship so hay wire now. he said, yeah. it made him hay wire too. i told him, but u’re very strong. u don let these things bother or affect you. he said, is that what u think? well, he sure knows how to hide it then if it did, isn’t it? well, i cannot wait for my talk with joe.
next week also, my boss would wanna talk more about this opening opis in jakarta and he would wanna know if i would wanna take it up or not. better salary, better post. best la. but my heart is in KL. he said he can bring me back to KL, and find sumthing else for me to do. but judging from my kolig angela who was rotating wif me and now based in KL, she is looking for a new job oredi. cos she’s not happy wif the new ppl she is working wif in KL. everyday ader je she bitch to me. one day i shall tell u all about this other bitch, shoba who is working in our opis in KL pulak. so i know if i go back to KL, i will not be happy wif work there. i am so confused la. i duno what to do.. seriously, i wish my life was simpler. i really do. i dunno how long more i can take all this. i scared one day i might just break down and lose my mind. work, love, life. u watch all those movies, and kononnye being teenagers are difficult in this modern world. macam sial. i had a blast wen i was a teenager.. wait till those spoilt brats grow up la. then oni they know! ok la.. i gotto get back to work. yes, i DO have work to do. tomorrow i am going to bandung for one night for work. thurday night oni balik jakarta. and friday evening will leave for KL. cannot wait but i have more than butterflies in my tummy.. more like worms and grasshoppers. talk to you all soon! muah muah..
